Doctor Robotic - Review: "Chatrooms"

Online chatrooms are most wonderful places, full of exciting and exotic people who I assume populate the Earth, though some would have you believe otherwise with whimsical sayings such as "I AM FROM MARS! woooOOOOOOOOoo!!" but only ghouls say things like wooOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOoooo, so obviously the internet is populated by the dead and not so dead, undead if you will.

You can meet many more types of fascinating people in chatrooms, with such hilarity as "OMG a/s/l?"
This means that they will, conceivably, want to have sex with you within the next hour. More properly speaking, they are asking for your age, gender, and location.

A likely denizen of the internet, seething with Earth-aimed hate!

The location is almost to the point of merely being a formality, most people could care less where you live, unless they are from Mars and wish to know what country to aim their space modulators at if they begin to hate you (or if they wish to travel to your house, which is somewhere in the vicinity of Ohio - it is, in fact, altogether too easy to find where you live, even from such a general detail!)

As you can probably tell by now, most people on the internet are not human. In fact, there are very few left, though you don't know it. The people around you, your family and neighbors, may be human, but it is very unlikely that anyone thirty miles from you is still of the terran race as you know it. The internet is in fact a huge meetingplace of aliens from places which you'll never ever know about in a million years even if you were placed in a room with them, but of course the gravitational pull would be too great and how could you breathe in space without a spacesuit?.

Never tell anyone on the internet where you live; you don't want to be blamed if the planet is vaporized!

While everyone says they are either from California, Florida, New York, or Germany, they are, in fact, from unfathomable distant planets. Yes, sadly, Germany is full of robots and martians, but we already knew California, Florida, and New York were (plus madmen), right?

However, there is one way to tell who is still human. They are the fanciful ones who say things like "LOLLEL yuo are supar!!!!" and "I AM BYE HAX0RING!" Sadly, the rest of the human race is dwindling in brainpower as the aliens take over. After all, why else could you buy a DVD for more than a VHS tape? I don't know either! My mind hurts to even think of the possibilities.
Why don't you act like the other humans, you may ask? Perhaps it is because you, possibly, still have like humanoids around you, friends or family. The rest of humanity is not so lucky, they are lone and starving, driven to insanity as the aliens run rampant through their houses, leaving rings in their bathtubs and raiding their fridges with slimy or, as the case may be with the more evolved martians, gloved fingers.

So, in conclusion, the internet (and the world) is full of aliens, idiots, and the insane tormented fragments of humanity. [Of course, that is evident to anyone who spends any time at all on the internet. - Ed.]

Ed is a good man.