By Emess
Zero and Megaman X have formed a couple that makes Bert and Ernie look heterosexual. In Megaman Zero, Zero is by himself and lonely. So lonely, in fact, that he’s changed his manner of clothing. Backing up a bit, there’s almost no human alive today who hasn’t played a Megaman/Megaman X game (exceptions being those who are blind) so we all know the general rule: kill 8 robots, steal their powers, kill the last boss. Then Capcom got smarter/stupider and made “Megaman Zero”, a game that breaks the boundaries.
Resuming the previous rant, it seems that Zero has become gayer than usual. I mean, the dude in white and black is baring his chest, inviting Zero into his arms. Thanks, Capcom, for ruining whatever positive thoughts I had about this red and yellow gay magnet. What is he wearing, for the sake of Christ? What happened to his tank-sized boots? How could his clothes change after spending 100 years in suspended animation? I hate this game. The long, blonde hair turns him into what those nuclear-studded Japanese call “Bishounen”. Note: 99% of bishounen are flaming homosexuals (they were doused with pitch oil and set on fire). Zero comes back in 32-bit glory (or is it 16, I can’t tell with this tiny GBA screen) wielding a very crappy Z-Buster (for future notes, this weapon is PAINFUL TO USE), an OK Z-Saber, and two other weapons I will not dignify by mentioning. Only the Z Saber has some use, and any attempts to use the other weapons resulted in my head imploding to form a lemon.
These reploids have just realized that their lives are based in a terrible game. A terrible game in which their destiny is to be defeated by someone who outshines Richard Simmons in gayness like a cabbage compared to the sun. Guess what, guys: YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF THIS GAME. I think I just heard their little heads popping as over-ripe melons do when squished beneath a steamroller.
All you do in this game is do gay missions for a gay resistance base in order to become the supreme gay reploid on the gay planet. You run around and hit stuff. By the way, you also get to use things called (groan) CYBER ELVES. You read that correctly: CYBER ELVES.
There are two more screens full of this hell, but I will spare the gory details. If you thought this game could not become gayer, you were wrong, kiddo. Damn wrong. These elves fly about Zero when used, lovingly caressing every manly curve on his gay body. They also die after use, which prompted me to kill every last one of the bitches. To add to the sheer homoerotic aspect, there IS a cyber elf named “JACKSON”. If that isn’t a reference to Michael Jackson, the moonwalking singer with questionable sexuality, then cocaine will be legalized globally before the year ends. The cyber elves make this game so horridly NOT heterosexual that gay men across the globe were magnetically attracted to the GBA, and came flying approximately two times the speed of sound toward my house. They proceeded to be shot down by anti-gay guns powered by Gaydar and are now littering the countryside. Yes, folks, the game is that gay. Hide your women, men, and children from it at all costs.
Despite the world-shattering homosexuality emanating from my GBA, I managed to play the game in order to get some ranks. I will now classify rankings.
GOOD
GAY
This brings to light that the game cannot distinguish between an S and A rank when it comes to getting 100% perfect in a mission. I guess the programmers, fat with snack foods and Mountain Dew, said “Hell, even though an S rank is better than A, the kiddies will never get 100% anyway to notice. Hey, who stole my bagel?” Those fat bastards, they’re probably gay, too.
You must never play this game. If you do, gay men will come flying toward you, you will get AIDS, your family will shun you and it will rain wherever you go. Now if you will excuse me, I have to buy an umbrella.
