Koalyak - Review: "MTails"

Hello again, you idiots. You have probably heard of MTails under one of his 3,238 aliases that he makes up for no reason or because he is too shy to show his real name to anyone, even though "MTails" isn't his real name. I would tell you his real name, but he would probably be very sensitive about it and would demand that my article be taken down immediately. In fact, even now I am in danger of his wrath just for making any reference to his sensitivity.

This probably isn't a picture of MTails, but it sure is a jolly chef!

MTails' sensitivity is often invoked simply by the act of calling him a "fag" or some similarly harmless gesture. This is probably because, like any other insecure teenager who is struggling to be different, MTails is in fact bisexual. I think he was completely homosexual at some point, but he must have changed his mind. Sexual preference is such a fickle thing, isn't it? Anyway, he may as well be homosexual, because last I heard, he is only attracted to women who have the physique of a hippopotamus. Oh no, I better stop talking about this, or else MTails might use his super sensitivity attack! Not that he will ever have the chance to, since he only appears about once every two weeks. I suppose he's just too busy having cybersex with 500 people a day (now 5,000 since he got a new computer!). Or possibly running other programs on his computer, such as Notepad. Everyone knows that it's impossible to run an IRC client whilst also running anything else.

MTails is also a member of the furry community. This means that at least 4,993 of the people who he cybers with every day are talking animals, a.k.a. "artalians," a.k.a. "evil spawn of Satan," a.k.a. "people who draw pictures of extremely well-endowed dolphins receiving oral sex from orangutans." I don't think I need to say any more than that. MTails might deny these things, but who do you trust? Me, or a deluded talking animal who can't decide whether he's homosexual or not? Yeah, that's what I thought, buddy.

Wahhhh ha ha ha!

Not that MTails is a completely bad man. In fact, he has designed the plots of many Jak Benly comics, and he also created the legendary Unreal Tournament map, ctf-mt-benly1. If you have not heard of this map, you are an idiot and I will come to your house and kill you. You might think that I am not really capable of such a feat, but just watch me trace your IP to a small village 300 miles north of you whose only inhabitants are African tribesmen and a small walrus named Henry. Then you'll be in for it. I'll send down my army of 500 robots with lasers and titanium armor and they'll kill you twice over, kind of like God did to those cows in Exodus 9:19-20. That crazy God. Sometimes I invite God over to my house and we have a few beers and tell jokes. God tells the best jokes. Like one time he told this joke about a duck and a rabbit in a bus, and the duck says something hilarious. I don't remember what it was, but damn that was a funny joke. Anyway, I hate MTails, he is a great fool. That concludes this review.